What not to do in the first week of April

So you have a doctorate and a pile of marking eight feet tall. You could be marking, or writing a paper, or reading an insightful book. Or you could do this.

"Bear"

(to the tune of "Hair" as performed by The Cowsills)

She asks me why

Why I'm a hairy guy

I'm hairy noon and night

Hey, I'm a fright

I'm hairy high and low

Don't ask me why

'Cos I don't know

It's just the way I'm bred,

Like Charles Darwin said,

Darling...

Give me a den with bears

Tall, beautiful bears

Biting, frightening,

Rending, mauling, tearing

Look at that one there: bear!

Shoulder height or taller: bear!

Here's the baby, there's the mama,

Look out for the daddy, daddy...

Bears! (bears bears bears bears bears bears oh)

Fear them, revere them

Just don't try feed them

They're bears.

They don't mind a stiff breeze

And they love to climb trees

A hole in a hill's a good lair

A coat full of fleas

A hive full of honey bees

Or roots and berries

There ain't no words

For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder

Of the...

Bears! (bears bears bears bears bears bears oh)

Fear them, revere them

Just don't try feed them

They're bears.

Their fur is long, straight, curly, fuzzy

Snaggy, shaggy, ratsy, matsy

Oily, greasy, fleecy, shining

Gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen

Brown or black or golden

Bears, they are so hairy

If you try to poke one you'll be

Mangled, wrangled, tangled

Like spaghetti

Oh say can you see

My claws?

If you can,

Then you're much too close.

O'er the mount—
O'er the mount—
The bear goes

over the mountain
where he sleeps for eight months

No, never has to diet

And he can sleep for eight months

Oh, give me a den with bears
Tall, beautiful bears

Biting, frightening,

Rending, mauling, tearing

Now won't you give a care for bears?

Black or Kodiak bears?

Here's the baby, there's the mama,

Look out for the daddy, daddy...

Bears! (bears bears bears bears bears bears oh)

Fear them, revere them

Just don't try feed them

They're bears! (bears bears bears bears bears bears oh)

Fear them, revere them

Just don't try feed them

They're bears!

Bears bears bears bears bears bears bears bears

Bears bears bears bears bears bears bears bears

Bears!